International Childfree Day

Ugh, there’s a day for that? Why don’t childfree people just shut up about it already?  Why don’t we just live our lives and mind our own business?

Lion Cubs and Baby Dolls

Photo by Maelia Faust, Unsplash

I watched a lot of nature documentaries as a kid.  You know how nature documentaries are, they can’t ever just show baby animals being cute without throwing in some hard-hitting facts to justify it.  There’s always some voice-over letting you know this may look charming and cute, but these lion cubs are practicing the skills they’ll need when they grow up to become a top predator of the Serengeti.

Well, one day, it occurred to me that maybe play had a developmental role for human babies as well. I finally put together the idea that girls are given baby dolls to play with to practice the skills they’ll need when they grow up to become mommies.

I had this sinking realization that this was just going to happen to me.  And I didn’t have a single maternal feeling anywhere to be found. I never played with baby dolls, only animal toys.  I’ve always loved animals – even snakes, rats, and bats – but I’ve never found babies cute or had any urge to pretend to be a mommy. 

I was nine when I made the baby doll connection.  Fortunately for me, my parents were very supportive and proactive about telling me that I never had to get married or have kids if I decided I didn’t want to. 

But even with proactive counter-messaging from my parents, I still got indoctrinated with this idea that I wouldn’t have a choice.  To me, that speaks volumes about how our media and social narratives treat parenthood, and especially motherhood – like something that just happens to you one day, and not a choice at all.

The Nefarious and Pervasive Life Script ™

Photo by Quinten De Graaf, Unsplash

Why does it matter to talk about childfree people and why won’t we shut up?

Because of people like our new Twitter Overlord, who think people without children (childfree and childless people) shouldn’t be able to vote.

Because people, even ones who should know better, still push “biological clock” pseudoscience like it’s a real thing. The ticking of that clock, if you listen close, is actually the echo from endless refrains of you better have some before it’s too late, you’ll regret it when you’re older, do it now and don’t overthink it, no one is ever really ready, you don’t want to have a geriatric pregnancy, have a second because they have to have a sibling, do it, do it, do it, do it.

Because people tell each other things like God will make you and You’ll marry someone and you’ll just end up doing it for them.  Two things that have been said to my face. 

Because even in our fiction, our society can’t seem to imagine anyone, women in particular, being happy and fulfilled without being parents. They just have to change their minds.

Because the Life Script ™ is a tool of repression and conformity that hurts everyone who doesn’t perfectly fit its 1950’s era formula, not just those of us who reject the 2.5 kids part.

There are plenty of people out there who don’t want the Life Script ™ marriage, the prescribed gender roles/identity, the high-pressure career, the church on Sunday, or the house with the white picket fence. Many are getting the same harassment as those of us who reject parenthood, and many are facing worse.

And there are people who very much wanted parts of that script and found it wasn’t available to them.  On top of the difficult process of accepting that their life’s direction isn’t going to be what they wished and hoped, they’re facing many of the same stigmas.    

The Life Script ™ hurts everyone.  It stunts our growth as a society.  It stifles intelligence, wisdom, and creativity.  For everyone’s sake, let’s crumple it up and toss it.  I made two promises in my author bio – one, the dog lives (because enough with the tragic dead pet trope) and two, characters who say they don’t want kids don’t change their minds.  Not because it’s not okay to change your mind about having kids – of course it is! – but because it’s time to have some balance in the prevailing narrative about people who choose a different life.